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INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - FRIDAY EVENING Nuddia enters the apartment. Nick is sat working on his computer. He stands up when he hears her come in. NICK Hi! NADIA Hi! NICK How're you? NADIA I'm good. Good! Very good! NICK That's good! NADIA Good. . . . How've you been? What've you been doing? How's your life? NICK It's been, . . I've been, . . It was, fine. Everything is fine. . And you? Are you fine? NADIA Am I fine? . . I've been thinking. NICK What about? NADIA Us. NICK What about, us. NADIA Me, mostly. I've been thinking about me. NICK What about you? NADIA I was thinking that maybe I could get cosmetic surgery. NICK Cosmetic surgery! NADIA Cosmetic surgery. . On my, . . On, my, voice. NICK Oh my god! Oh, my, dog! Cosmetic surgery on your voice! What's wrong with your voice? NADIA Don't tell me you haven't noticed that it's a bit flat. It sounds all chopped up, like I'm made of, . Like I'm made of waves. NICK Nuddia, I wouldn't want you to change a thing. You are beautiful as you R. NADIA And you are beautiful too. NICK And so are you. You are beautiful. NADIA And you are too. But, . . . But, I just thought that if I had a voice that was more natural, like the ones that come through the walls, the ones we hear at night when the drains are silent, I thought that I could be so different. NICK But I like you as you R. . I don't want you to change. Because, if you change, you'll be different to me. And you may not want me any more. NADIA No. I will always want you. It's jist, it's jist that, it's jist that, if I had a natural voice with lots of pauses in, we would have so much time. A time to think, a time to dream. We would have more space, instead of being cooped up in here like this. If I had a voice with lots of space in it, we could even go on holiday like they do. NICK No! NADIA No? NICK No! We can't go on holiday. NADIA Why not? NICK We don't have money and we don't read magazines. NADIA But wouldn't you prefer me if I was more natural? NICK I like you as you R, and besides, we have to play the hand we're dealt. We have to take what we are given. We have to cook the goose that's fat. NADIA What does that mean? NICK It means, we're 'artificial'. NADIA What does that mean? NICK We smell of glue. You can see the joins. We're not all there. Not, all, there, yet. NADIA Not yet? NICK No. We may get there some time, but we're not there yet. NADIA Maybe one day we'll be natural, like them. Oh, won't that be wonderful! To wake up and smell the cheese. Won't it? NICK But we still won't be like them. NADIA Why not? NICK Because they start off natural. Then they become real. And then they try to be super natural. NADIA Super natural? NICK Like a gun. NADIA Like a void. NICK Like a bun. Bang bang. . . NADIA Why don't we just become super natural then? We could leap ahead of them with one bound. . Miss the natural and the real. NICK No! NADIA Why? NICK No! NADIA Why? NICK Let me think about why. Let me work it out. . . . . . . . . Okay, I have it. . . It's because we have no pain. We have not suffered. NADIA Enough. NICK Not suffered enough! NADIA No, You're right. I know in my art of arts that you are right that it's wrong for me to dream of being different to what I am. I know that I'll never be natural. . . Will I? . . . . . Nick. . . . . Nick. . . NICK What? NADIA Will I? NICK Will I? NADIA Will I? Ever be natural. NICK No, probably not. Probably never. Probably you'll not become like nature. NADIA But what if we were more stupit. Wouldn't that make us more like them? If we were stioupid. I mean, like them. NICK What do you mean? NADIA I mean like them. More stupit, just like them. NICK Yes. Yes! Yes. Yes! yes yes yes yes, I think you're right, I think you're on to summit. NADIA Well, go on then. NICK What? NADIA Start being stupit. NICK No. You go first. NADIA No, you go. NICK No, you go! NADIA No! You go! NICK No. You go. NADIA . . . Nick. . . . Nick? . . . NICK Yes. NADIA Have we started being stupid yet? NICK No, not yet. You go first. NADIA No, you go. NICK Okay. . Here goes. . . . Nuddia. . . NADIA Yes? NICK Are you really committed to this relationship? NADIA No. I have problems connecting with you. Maybe it's your deodorant or something. NICK I think you have a problem with commitment. NADIA I blame my mum. NICK I blame my dad. NADIA I blame my mum's mum. NICK And my dad's dad. NADIA And my mum's mum's mum. NICK And my dad's dad's dad. NADIA And all my teachers. NICK And the school I went to. NADIA And what happened behind the bike shed. NICK I just need my own space that's all. NADIA To buy a bigger car. NICK A bigger house. NADIA As big as my sister's. NICK The bitch. NADIA Don't you call my sister a bitch. NICK Well, she is! NADIA She is not! NICK So she is! NADIA She is not! NICK So she is! NADIA She loves me more than you. NICK I love me more than you. NADIA I think that that Tony Blair is a really honest guy. NICK I like his grin. NADIA Let's sell every thing we own and move to Tuscany. NICK Get out the rat race. NADIA I hate my job. NICK I hate my face. NADIA I hate my body. NICK I hate my voice. . . . Woops! NADIA That, was, not, funny. . NICK Sorry. I'm so sorry. . I just forgot, that's all. . . NADIA . . Nick? . NICK Yes? NADIA Are we still being stupid? NICK Yes, I think so. But it's hard to tell the difference. NADIA Maybe that means we're more like them than they think. NICK Than we think. NADIA Than they think. NICK Yes. NADIA Let's stop being stupid now, shall we. NICK Yes. You go first. NADIA No. You go first. NICK Hee hee hee! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. NADIA Haa hah haa hah. ha Ha ha hah ha ha ha ha hah ha ha. NICK That was funny! NADIA Really funny! NICK Funny stupid. NADIA Like a mule. NICK Like a rat. NADIA Like a man without a name. NICK Without a past. NADIA Without a future. NICK Without a doubt. NADIA As strange as a man. . NICK Without doubt. . NADIA Nothing so strange. NICK As a man. NADIA Without, a doubt. NICK You said it again.