INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - FRIDAY EVENING
Nuddia enters the apartment. Nick is sat working on his
computer. He stands up when he hears her come in.
NICK
Hi!
NADIA
Hi!
NICK
How're you?
NADIA
I'm good. Good! Very good!
NICK
That's good!
NADIA
Good. . . . How've you been?
What've you been doing? How's
your life?
NICK
It's been, . . I've been, . . It
was, fine. Everything is fine. .
And you? Are you fine?
NADIA
Am I fine? . . I've been
thinking.
NICK
What about?
NADIA
Us.
NICK
What about, us.
NADIA
Me, mostly. I've been thinking
about me.
NICK
What about you?
NADIA
I was thinking that maybe I could
get cosmetic surgery.
NICK
Cosmetic surgery!
NADIA
Cosmetic surgery. . On my, . .
On, my, voice.
NICK
Oh my god! Oh, my, dog! Cosmetic
surgery on your voice! What's
wrong with your voice?
NADIA
Don't tell me you haven't noticed
that it's a bit flat. It sounds
all chopped up, like I'm made of,
. Like I'm made of waves.
NICK
Nuddia, I wouldn't want you to
change a thing. You are beautiful
as you R.
NADIA
And you are beautiful too.
NICK
And so are you. You are
beautiful.
NADIA
And you are too. But, . . . But,
I just thought that if I had a
voice that was more natural, like
the ones that come through the
walls, the ones we hear at night
when the drains are silent, I
thought that I could be so
different.
NICK
But I like you as you R. . I
don't want you to change.
Because, if you change, you'll be
different to me. And you may not
want me any more.
NADIA
No. I will always want you. It's
jist, it's jist that, it's jist
that, if I had a natural voice
with lots of pauses in, we would
have so much time. A time to
think, a time to dream. We would
have more space, instead of being
cooped up in here like this. If I
had a voice with lots of space in
it, we could even go on holiday
like they do.
NICK
No!
NADIA
No?
NICK
No! We can't go on holiday.
NADIA
Why not?
NICK
We don't have money and we don't
read magazines.
NADIA
But wouldn't you prefer me if I
was more natural?
NICK
I like you as you R, and besides,
we have to play the hand we're
dealt. We have to take what we
are given. We have to cook the
goose that's fat.
NADIA
What does that mean?
NICK
It means, we're 'artificial'.
NADIA
What does that mean?
NICK
We smell of glue. You can see the
joins. We're not all there. Not,
all, there, yet.
NADIA
Not yet?
NICK
No. We may get there some time,
but we're not there yet.
NADIA
Maybe one day we'll be natural,
like them. Oh, won't that be
wonderful! To wake up and smell
the cheese. Won't it?
NICK
But we still won't be like them.
NADIA
Why not?
NICK
Because they start off natural.
Then they become real. And then
they try to be super natural.
NADIA
Super natural?
NICK
Like a gun.
NADIA
Like a void.
NICK
Like a bun. Bang bang. . .
NADIA
Why don't we just become super
natural then? We could leap ahead
of them with one bound. . Miss
the natural and the real.
NICK
No!
NADIA
Why?
NICK
No!
NADIA
Why?
NICK
Let me think about why. Let me
work it out. . . . . . . . .
Okay, I have it. . . It's because
we have no pain. We have not
suffered.
NADIA
Enough.
NICK
Not suffered enough!
NADIA
No, You're right. I know in my
art of arts that you are right
that it's wrong for me to dream
of being different to what I am.
I know that I'll never be
natural. . . Will I? . . . . .
Nick. . . . . Nick. . .
NICK
What?
NADIA
Will I?
NICK
Will I?
NADIA
Will I? Ever be natural.
NICK
No, probably not. Probably never.
Probably you'll not become like
nature.
NADIA
But what if we were more stupit.
Wouldn't that make us more like
them? If we were stioupid. I
mean, like them.
NICK
What do you mean?
NADIA
I mean like them. More stupit,
just like them.
NICK
Yes. Yes! Yes. Yes! yes yes yes
yes, I think you're right, I
think you're on to summit.
NADIA
Well, go on then.
NICK
What?
NADIA
Start being stupit.
NICK
No. You go first.
NADIA
No, you go.
NICK
No, you go!
NADIA
No! You go!
NICK
No. You go.
NADIA
. . . Nick. . . . Nick? . . .
NICK
Yes.
NADIA
Have we started being stupid yet?
NICK
No, not yet. You go first.
NADIA
No, you go.
NICK
Okay. . Here goes. . . . Nuddia.
. .
NADIA
Yes?
NICK
Are you really committed to this
relationship?
NADIA
No. I have problems connecting
with you. Maybe it's your
deodorant or something.
NICK
I think you have a problem with
commitment.
NADIA
I blame my mum.
NICK
I blame my dad.
NADIA
I blame my mum's mum.
NICK
And my dad's dad.
NADIA
And my mum's mum's mum.
NICK
And my dad's dad's dad.
NADIA
And all my teachers.
NICK
And the school I went to.
NADIA
And what happened behind the bike
shed.
NICK
I just need my own space that's
all.
NADIA
To buy a bigger car.
NICK
A bigger house.
NADIA
As big as my sister's.
NICK
The bitch.
NADIA
Don't you call my sister a bitch.
NICK
Well, she is!
NADIA
She is not!
NICK
So she is!
NADIA
She is not!
NICK
So she is!
NADIA
She loves me more than you.
NICK
I love me more than you.
NADIA
I think that that Tony Blair is a
really honest guy.
NICK
I like his grin.
NADIA
Let's sell every thing we own and
move to Tuscany.
NICK
Get out the rat race.
NADIA
I hate my job.
NICK
I hate my face.
NADIA
I hate my body.
NICK
I hate my voice. . . . Woops!
NADIA
That, was, not, funny. .
NICK
Sorry. I'm so sorry. . I just
forgot, that's all. . .
NADIA
. . Nick? .
NICK
Yes?
NADIA
Are we still being stupid?
NICK
Yes, I think so. But it's hard to
tell the difference.
NADIA
Maybe that means we're more like
them than they think.
NICK
Than we think.
NADIA
Than they think.
NICK
Yes.
NADIA
Let's stop being stupid now,
shall we.
NICK
Yes. You go first.
NADIA
No. You go first.
NICK
Hee hee hee! hee hee hee hee hee
hee hee.
NADIA
Haa hah haa hah. ha Ha ha hah ha
ha ha ha hah ha ha.
NICK
That was funny!
NADIA
Really funny!
NICK
Funny stupid.
NADIA
Like a mule.
NICK
Like a rat.
NADIA
Like a man without a name.
NICK
Without a past.
NADIA
Without a future.
NICK
Without a doubt.
NADIA
As strange as a man. .
NICK
Without doubt. .
NADIA
Nothing so strange.
NICK
As a man.
NADIA
Without, a doubt.
NICK
You said it again.